Anger Management

I need anger management.

I am getting angry easily..
Once I find things wasn't going the way I wanted I get irritated!

God please help me on this.. I don't want to go on like this

Fuck the world

Fuck it! Fuck it! Fuck it!

Why do I get angry so easily!! why on earth do I have to go through all of these..

For no reason at all I get irritated over one small thing, but yet for stupid DH I have to put on a fake smile, wearing a stupid hat smiling and agreeing to what all the world have to say.

Why am I being so sensitive? why does it come at the end of my pregnancy? Why is everybody giving me a hard time?

Sometimes I wished I wasn't in this situation, I wished to be alone! I want to be alone and enjoy the loneliness, and have my dogs around me. I want to have a cigarette, so I could take things away from my mind. I wished someone could be here with me instead I am being left alone to deal with all the unfamiliar surrounding. I am forced to drive a fucking manual car, forced to take care of another person and being forced to live in a fucking small town where I am bound by directions, cause I don't know which fucking way I have to go.

Fuck it~ fuck the world. Fuck everything. I wished I could go to church, I wished I was back in the goddamn familiar place, I wished I could runaway, and have my daughter in some faraway land. Where nobody knows me and have the whole world searching for me!! Damn all this.. Damn all the fucking thing in this world.

Of all the person, I thought he should understand but instead what he gave in respond is not something I want. As if I cared. I don't fucking give a shit. FUCK OFF

Fuck Off

Recently my emotional well being has reached a peak whereby I get irritated easily. I don't get along with anybody which I usually do, and I get annoyed easily.

Can somebody please tell me what's wrong? I am coming to the end of my pregnancy, currently 38 weeks, another 2 more weeks, could this be the reason I get irritated easily? I am like a balloon bursting anytime. Oh God, please help me on this!!


I hate it when people bossed me around, I get annoyed when I see this stupid three year old with fucking bad manners who scream and kicked when his parents tell him NO; picking food out of the freshly served dish makes me want to slap his head over and over!! I hate kids with behavior issues, his parents should have discipline him like a dog!!

My tummy is small and everybody is picking on it. SO WHAT? MIL asked me to eat more, everyday she would call and say : eat more, eat more! WTF, excuse me I don't like to stuffed myself like a turkey and I am definitely not like you! She eats like a cow and I am no cow.

Had been arguing with DH. In my mind I have already planned out what I wanted to do in life but one freaking word he just came and crushed it! OK great!!!　It's my life and I should be the one in control but instead this monster just invade my life like nobody's business and start bossing me around telling what to do and what not to do! I hate to stuck in this stupid small town, with an old bat and I hate every single thing here!!!!!! fuck it, fuck all this.

God if You are listening, please take all this problem away from me. I hate it when my mind just act like a TNT and like it's gonna explode sooooon!! FUCK EVERYTHING

犯贱的动物

男人都是犯贱的动物。

说什么都是骗人的，如果真的有心的话就不要对我乱发脾气。

怀孕还要受你的LJ罪。你以为你是谁？盖电话就盖饱他！

有种就不要打电话给我，反正现在受苦的是你自己而已。

我自己在这边不懂过的几好！我还没有忘记我一年后的决定。

你这样做只会让我加快那天的来临的。

不要以为我怕你。大不了我自己养大孩子，靠你我自己死的难看 ~

明年今日。

今天又给人误会了。呵呵~

说了很多很难听的话。

再给我一年时间，明年今日。就是我要做决定的日子了。

我会坚强的。

我的福气

距离上次UPDATE好像已经三个星期多左右了。
现在的我，在老公的家乡SITIAWAN代产 ~ 回来已经一个礼拜多了。

没有老公在身边的日子有点难过。
以前每天晚上都可以看到老公，晚上睡觉有老公陪，其实是一件很幸福的事情。

不过现在的我也不差哦。老公不在身边，我学会了驾车，而且还是手牙的！
我记得以前老公曾经说过，只要学会手牙的车什么车都可以驾的。
因为之前自己不争气，一次车祸过后就不太敢驾车了，所以慢慢的变得很怕。
回来这边以后，为了不让老公失望我决定要尝试驾车。
驾了几天，开始有点熟悉了！只是方向盘没有power steering,有点难转。
但是我可以的！！我一定要学会驾车。

现在的我反而比较担心老公呢~工作的死老头拼命刁难！
真的为难他了。其实啊，很多时候人家一直说男人要体谅女人。
歌词啦，影片啦什么都是在说女人的辛苦。
但是有多少人可以理解一个男人在外打拼的时候那种痛苦呢？
给老板骂的臭头还是得点头，为的只是保护饭碗！

女人在适当的时候就应该体谅一下老公。不要一直埋怨老公不帮忙做家务之类的~
*虽然以前自己有这样子的想法，但是现在要开始改进了*
或是老公觉得累的时候没有办法陪我们去哪里走走，也是可以理解的。
还有就是，当一个男人忘记你所交代的事情的时候也不要生气，或许他们真的只是忘记了。

或许我老土，但我一直觉得男主外，女主内是以前就定下的道理。
所以，当老公在外面打拼的时候，他们所面对的挑战必定比我们多很多。
帮我们挡风遮雨，为的只是我们能够过的好。所以啊！有这样的老公，要好好珍惜~

傻人有傻福。呵呵~或许我就是那个傻人吧。
呆呆的过了23年 ~ 跟一个傻男人过了六年。
期望我们有更多更多的六年，甚至六十年哦！！

今日的误解

别人常常都对我有些误解。

但是我觉得无所谓！

也常常有人说我的性格很固执，偏爱用自己的想法来做事。

这我也承认。不过我觉得每个人在成长中的每个阶段都有它们的领悟。

所以我不想去改变这些。因为我相信在不久的将来就会有所领悟。

我不想去争辩自己是个怎么样的人！

这些只留给那些真正懂我的人。:)

而此刻我的选择是沉默。然而却不代表我默认了你们的观点。

就好像我说的，我是个典型的瓶子。

当你们把手穿过那狭窄的瓶颈时，你们会发现里面其实有个无限大的空间

我的人并不像表面那么纯粹。我还是坚持那个特别的我

给父母

今天和妈妈通了电话。

最近日子难熬，但是我还是强忍泪水的告诉她！

语气坚强，但是辛酸的泪还是不停打滚。

虽然如此，我还是要母亲大人相信我。

我告诉她：我并没有后悔选择这条路。

是很理直气壮，但是很坚定！

我知道她很心痛她的宝贝女儿我，本来可以过的很好，却突然要面对这些问题。

但是有你们的爱，有老公的爱，有上帝的爱，我就真的足够了。

我没有放弃的理由，更没有要退让的理由。

请母亲和父亲大人一定要相信我！我可是从一出生就很幸运的让走进你们的生命。

所以接下来我相信自己必定能够把这条路走完。

谢谢你们付出的爱。生命中有你们相随，是我一生最大的获益！

妈妈，你们能够为我这样付出，因为我是你的女儿

同样的，也请你们相信我，晨蒽是我们的宝贝女儿，我们也必定像你们这样爱护我守护着她。

为了家，为了女儿，为了我们的将来 - 一定一定要相信我们能够做到。

不要担心我们，因为担心只会把福气给带走。祝福我们，让你们的爱围绕我们，给我们正面的力量！

My Baby Dreams

I have been having all sorts of crazy dreams lately.

Especially on babies!! Last night I dreamed that I was changing my baby's diaper. Except she was so tiny .. well I guess it was just my anxiety of fearing my baby will be born prematurely.

And then the view changed towards the baby ward.
I was there all alone, nobody was around, Hubby was no where to be found.
I was sitting there looking at newly born baby, all covered in blood (You expect them to be squeaky clean coming out from your womb? Of course there's blood coming in the picture somewhere!) and the crying. I was so thrilled. I touched her tiny little hand and she wrap her palms around my little finger.

I woke up feeling so real.. as If when I opened my eyes I could see her right away. But good things in all terms need to be waited upon. Another 3 - 5 more weeks to go I will be hugging my daughter. Finally, I am able to announced to the world that this is "MY DAUGHTER". :D :D

沿路的领悟。

今天别与以往，选择走路回家。短短的十分钟，但是感觉自己在这路途中领悟了许多。

很多时候我在想，是自己的心态吗？还是我只是没有办法认同别人的做事方法？
或许两者都有吧。说真的，自己还蛮自我的。
很多时候，当事情发生在我控制以外的范围，我就变的很歇斯底里。
当别人的决定，不是我所想要的时候我就开始钻牛角尖了。想多多！
但是庆幸的是，我很快看开！而且很快就能恢复原本的自己。
好笑吧？这就是我。

能够真正走进我生活的人其实不多。我承认自己没有办法接受一些人！
你们应该都有过类似的经历吧。
好像一些人，跟他们谈天能够一见如故，然而有一些人只能当点头之交。
在我生活中也常遇到这样的人。

说我为人犯贱，说我心中狭窄也好，有一些人跟他们相遇也只能点到为止。
但是能够触动我心的人，我可以跟他们谈很多，分享很多。

典型水瓶座的我，内心就好像瓶子一样。
当你穿过瓶颈，把手再往里面伸，其实你会发现我肚子里装满奇怪的想法。
所以，当别人从外表评估我是个怎么样的人时候，我会变的很纳闷。或许我讨厌被归类吧！
我会纳闷一些自以为很了解，自以为自己能够一眼看穿我的人对我下评论，就算是小事情我也会郁闷一阵。小气哦？

最近发现自己又再次沉醉在自己的空间里面了。
已经很久没有这样的感觉了！距离上次的隔离，应该有好几年了吧？
我好爱这样的隔离哦。让自己的思绪没有约束的蔓延，嗯，挺有意思的。
有时候就连某某人都万般感慨的告诉我：我真的搞不懂你在想什么！
其实不需要懂。只能说，我没有办法接受别人约束我的思想。
这最后一片净土，我想选择保留。至少在这边，我能够让自己沉淀一下下。
把负面的经过过滤，埋起来。其实就像人体一样，需要排毒。过不久再给你一个全新的我。

LIfe

Life is always full of mystery...

especially how we were conceived and being brought into this world.

I never fully appreciate what life is until this little human started growing in my womb.

It's amazing to see how your baby grow each day, from a tiny little embryo into a fully form fetus and then coming out to greet this world in a human form. As each day passes by they grow up, giving you different kind of experience..

I still remembered that day when I found out I was pregnant with Baby Ezra. I took a pregnancy test and it showed a faint pink line, thrilled I called Hubby and sent him a picture, he wasn't so sure either. In total I took four pregnancy test, 2 with faint line and 2 without anything. But I was positively sure I am pregnant! Then it was confirmed on Nov 3rd. Although initially Doc did an ultrasound which didn't showed anything, he asked me to go for a urine test.. Well, I guess you know the results. I was 4 weeks pregnant!! The looked on our faces just, the feeling is just so overwhelming, Hubby was smiling non stop and he practically told EVERYONE about it.

Went for a monthly scan a month later on Dec 1st and saw the baby for the first time. She was so small and Doc did a doppler scan, we listened as her heart beats 179bpm . I remember looking at the screen, hoping with all my heart that this baby can grow up healthily, nothing in this world could take her away from me. I felt bad actually when I DID consider an abortion because for my own, but I am glad I didn't! I am truly grateful I didn't do it.. If it wasn't for this baby, I will never ever be able to experience the meaning of life.

Thank You for coming into my life. ^^

久违了！

好久没有上来写东西了。哈哈~

明天就是母亲节！

难过的是，我没有办法陪我妈妈过，开心的是，明年今天我自己也即将庆祝哦。

今年还真是难忘的一年啊。宝宝在我肚子已经30周了~

星期三那天去看医生，看了3D图看到晨蒽的样子了。嘴巴嘟嘟的，像爸爸哦。:D

我的女儿，妈咪和爹地的宝贝。

我和老公的爱女~~~ 想到都开心。

有时候觉得我和老公的爱情故事很神，可是没有想到连怀上孩子也是那么的不可思议。

之前老公就想说：啊！如果我有个兔宝宝几好啊。

结果万万没有想到，真的给我怀上了一只可爱的兔女郎！（eh,兔女郎好像有点色色的）

就连怎么发现自己怀孕，怎么发现宝宝是女的过程都很妙。

感谢上帝那么眷顾。真的，失去了什么上帝一定会从另外一边弥补给你的。

愿上帝的恩典和奇迹继续发生在我们杨家哦。

p/s: 真的好像做梦一样。我已经有自己的家庭了！也即将要成为一个小生命的依赖，然后叫我妈妈了。现在的我啊，可是母性大发哦。嘻嘻嘻嘻。母亲节快乐啦~

总会度过的

最近的我，日子过得有点狼狈。呵呵

不敢告诉身边的人，因为怕他们担心。

这些日子我知道一点也不好过，也委屈了肚子里面的孩子。

有时候看到别人能够出去走走，自己还满羡慕的。

奈何，天意弄人。但是，我却不能因此而气馁!

我相信这些日子终究会过去的。或许哪一天我也会想念呢。

life has been a messed lately, but I will put up my best smile.

I will be strong and I will hold on.. nothing can put me down. :D

Me.. Me.. Me..

Finally, I'm vain enough to post something totally about me ~~ *grins*

I've had this post in my mind for a while now, however, thanks to my laziness ~ I just can't find the right time to blog about it. haha ~ so, here it is:

Five random facts of me

5) I hate balloons. They scared the shit outta me when it burst

4) I love to drink cold milk from a nice clear glass. It makes the milk look nutritious

3) Words can't describe how much I love milk tea.

2) I am a cow. I can sleep and eat the whole day

1) I thank God everyday for my loving husband, family and my dogs. *Not forgetting my daughter who will be arriving on July.*

天马行空

"Creativity is the limit"

在网路上面看到这样的一句话

激起我许多的思考。

人类的极限就在于创意 ~

难怪许多人都告诉我说

去想，天马行空的想！

不要害怕有梦想 ~

对。一个有梦的人才会极力去追寻 ~

我的梦，我的理想原来就这么简单！

我一直抓着不属于自己的理想

现在或许我找到了，找到了一个可以让我发挥的空间。

我不是什么企业家的料

更不是画家作家的料，

我只是一个很平凡的人

我的动力在于：快乐。

一位塔罗牌老师曾经告诉我：能够让你有成就的事，就是在于你能够帮到别人。看到别人开心，那一份就是你的荣誉。

想想，自己确实是这样的人！

我想上天胜任我的这份工作我能够做好。

对自己，我从来没有那么有信心过。

加油！

Massage

Had my first prenatal massage today.

I can't tell you how happy I am to finally get rid of the annoying stiffness somewhere near my spinal cords. It's amazing ~~ but one thing that really annoys me was, my dog whining non stop. (If he sees someone new in the house, he'll go crazy and start doing this high pitch whine which drives me nuts) So, no longer being able to bear his crazy whine, I went outside took the cane and hit him real hard on the leg, on his face as well. This stops him! :D :D

Anyway, this lady was great. A housecall massuer which comes at your convinenece ~

Finally, after weeks long of torturing, I can finally go to bed undisturbed!

p/s: I ate two cup noodles.. and I am still hungry! Need to get some proper food.